(The following is a part taken from a new book by Genie Z. Laborde in which she applies Influencing with Integrity principles to the arena of personal relationships.)

Try something new
When I began this book, it was going to be a ‘How-To’ book on improving relationships. At that time, I was counseling couples, including a psychiatrist, a CEO, a Ph.D., an R.N. and many other professionals. They were all experts – except in relationships. Their relationships were rocky and I wanted to synthesize the process to help them get more pleasure and less pain from their relationships. We discovered that as their skills increased, their relationships improved. Whether these relationships were primary, maternal, fraternal, a journal or whatever didn’t matter. Each set of problems was solvable when we focused on the patterns in the communication process.

The bane of most relationships is our human tendency to keep doing the same thing. Whether or not we get the response we want, our pattern of communication is repeated. Thus this consistent application of unsuccessful communication keeps us stuck in unsatisfactory relationships.

If you have a relationship that is not pleasurable, why not try something new? Try new words, new expressions and new actions to get the behavior that you want. Connections currently mired in frustration can be changed with application of new behaviors and development of new interpersonal skills.

Relationships – no matter how bizarre – have specific similarities. All relationships have communication methods. All communication follows a process of ebb and flow – tides of impact that go beyond the words. Knowledge and control of these processes can improve your mastery of communication and subsequently enhance your relationships, no matter how frustrating they may be at present.

Some people remain inside unsatisfying relationships. Men and women have different brains and dynamics (although it is more than gender differences that create weird, illogical, unsatisfying relationships). Yet the simple truth is that you cannot change others. You can only change yourself.

But if you change yourself, you can still make the magic happen because if you change, the other must also change. Their former response no longer has a basis in kind. We humans are proven to respond appropriately. And therein lies our hope for change. If you try something new in a relationship, the other must respond in a new way

Taking charge of the direction of your communication processes can lead to new relationships, often more satisfying than in the past. Usually, new relationships are lighter since they are not burdened with the steamer trunks  of old disappointments. Of course, new relationships seldom have the depth, trust andcomfort of old relationships so improving a familiar relationship may be the right answer for you. The strategies and skills offered here make either and both possible.

Having both enjoyed and suffered through many different relationships myself and with a background in educational psychology, I have worked with many interpersonal strategies that are not commonly known. I feel an obligation to organize these strategies and present them. For 14 years this book has gathered new material that it has never found an end. Recently I realized this inability to close the book is because I was trying to write the definitive tome on improving relationships, rather than admitting that no matter how much I learn about relationships, some issues remain ‘beyond my ken’.

While the approaches I illustrate provide techniques to improve relationships, there are still mysteries I do not understand. Nor do I even want all the stardust to disappear. As we develop more skill in taking care of ourselves while deepening our ability to love, we can appreciate these stardust mysteries without trying to dispel them.

Now I know that no one can write a how-to book on relationships. People are too different, there are too many feelings, too many backgrounds, too many shades of gray for a one-size-fits-all methodology. All anyone can do is to offer ideas and techniques that will strengthen communication and in turn lead to happier relationships.

People have often told me that they don’t understand what had originally attracted them in many of their relationships. Was it the phase of the moon, the season, the tides, the time of month or the influence of another? The chemicals remain a mystery. All we know is that we were spellbound. And we liked it. And now we’d do anything to get that back, with the same or another.

Spellbinding and it’s fragile beauty is part of the sweetness of life. My goal is to enable you to spend more time there.

So you’ve decided you want a new or improved relationship. What techniques can you use? In this book, I present skills that help attract you to build or change a relationship. Twelve chapters discuss a variety of new behaviors you can test.    Understanding how your brain processes data and perceptions can lead to new insights about your memories and beliefs. Relationships that are stuck are discussed in Chapter 1.

Knowing about your own intrinsic psychological needs is discussed in Chapter 2. This analysis is useful in determining which needs can be satisfied by a central relationship and which needs are filled better elsewhere. Establishing rapport is a skill you probably already have, yet it can invariably be improved as demonstrated in Chapter 3.

The importance of communication and relationships to your health is correlated in Chapter 4. The role that words play in our relationships and how to change these words for more satisfying interactions are presented in Chapter 5. The patterns that  destroy relationships and how to shift these patterns are the focus of Chapter 6. Twenty new skills for use in relationship conflicts are listed in Chapter 7, while natural rhythms are the subject of Chapter 8.

Discovering how you have ’sensed’ the world and selected your own viewpoint is the purpose of Chapter 9. Chapter 10 presents an instrument you can use to learn about yourself and understand others so conversation and intimacy can flow easily. The energy consumed and multiplied in relationships is discussed in Chapter 11. And the greatest strategy of them all, ‘make them right’ is presented and defended in Chapter 12.

The mysterious pull that entices us to go, wait, suffer, leave and return again does not lend itself to precise answers. The skills are ideas for you to use and represent ideas that have worked for thousands of others. No two people will use them the same.

Relationships are more than the sum of their parts. This book can only hint at the heights available when you let yourself feel the pull of attraction. Much more is possible when you practice the art of relationships.

We all have the same number of hours in a day and we all have choices about how to spend them. Those who choose to spend these hours spinning relationship webs of many colors – with hues different in vibration and texture, each one distinct – weave an energy tapestry that becomes more beautiful with time. You can create a blanket of love to be wrapped around yourself and those you love for warmth and comfort. Developing the skills discussed in each chapter will enable you to choose wisely and cultivate choices that create the most beautiful tapestry of all.